Robert Allen (“Bob”) Bernstein

1926-2024

Robert Allen (“Bob”) Bernstein–who touched, enlightened, and enhanced countless lives during his 98-year adventure through this world—passed away peacefully on September 22, 2024, at home in his comfy bed, surrounded by his beloved family. Bob was a father, husband, grandfather, pioneering civil rights activist, lawyer, professor, mentor, intellectual, author, journalist, generous spirit, and overall mensch.
Bob was born in 1926 in Pueblo, Colorado, where his grandparents had migrated from Russia and Western Europe in the 1870’s. He grew up with an older brother, Morey, and many cousins and close friends. In 1943, during WWII, Bob was drafted into the Navy, where he served proudly and honorably for two years, until the end of the war. He then went to Stanford University, where he majored in mechanical engineering and served as editor of the campus newspaper, the Stanford Daily.

Despite his academic success, Bob recognized early on that engineering might be the one thing on Earth he was not good at (he used to brag often that he could fix anything around the house; all he had to do was call his wife, Myrna, to do it). But he was damned good at writing and had a true passion for it. After graduation, he worked for several years as a journalist for a newspaper in California.

In 1959, Bob headed east, for Washington, DC, where he attended American University’s Washington College of Law. Although he was a humble man and would hate for this fact to be in his obituary: he set law school on fire, serving as editor-in-chief of the Law Review and winning top awards in almost every class he took. He also won the heart of a law school mate, Carol Williams, whom he wed in two marriage ceremonies (one church wedding, which the couple hid from Bob’s Jewish family) and one Jewish ceremony (which the couple hid from the church officiant).

After graduation, Bob took a job as an appellate lawyer with the Department of Justice’s Tax Division. Although he had no particular fondness for tax, he loved the law, and in one of his early forays into the world of civil rights activism that would dominate his later years, he took up the cause of a destitute woman who had been wrongly convicted of murder and sentenced to life. Bob worked on her case, pro bono, for years until she was eventually exonerated.

During this time in his life, Bob had two daughters, Sharon and Bobbi, who immediately became the lights of his life. Having been raised by parents who repressed their feelings, and particularly a father who showed little emotion, Bob feared that he might grow up unable to enjoy the passions of deep, messy, imperfect, loving family relationships. That fear, far from coming to pass, drove him to an introspection and honesty that allowed him not only to love, but also to see people for who they are, and to appreciate them for their unique combination of strengths, talents, and human frailties. There is no greater gift a father could ever give his children.

When his girls were still young, Bob and Carol divorced, and Bob soon met his true soulmate, Myrna, at the Unitarian church (the perfect place for a Jewish lawyer and a Catholic nurse to meet, fall in love, take offbeat classes together, and get married). Bob welcomed Myrna’s two sons, Doug and Dietrich, into his heart, and became a loving father to them as well. In the 1980s, when one of Bob’s daughters came out to him as a lesbian, Bob had an uncharacteristic-for-the-time reaction; he immediately told her that he admired her for living her life honestly and thanked her for trusting him with her news. In the years that followed, he reignited his passion for journalism, writing countless columns and opinion pieces crusading for equality for LGBTQ+ people. One of those pieces was published by the New York Times under the then-eye-grabbing headline, “My Daughter is a Lesbian.” The article created a nationwide stir and won Bob the gratitude and admiration of legions of gay and lesbian youth who could only dream of the acceptance Bob had displayed so naturally. Over the following years, Bob became a national leader in the movement, serving as national Vice President of the lobbying and support group, PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), for whom he published a monthly newsletter, the PFlagpole. He was honored one year as the Grand Marshal of Washington DC’s annual Pride Parade and another year he won the Pride Friendship Award. In addition to offering a lifeline to many members of the LGBTQ community, Bob’s activism thawed the hearts and educated the minds of countless parents of gay and lesbian people. Bob wrote two books on the topic of gay rights, the first of which, “Straight parents, gay children: keeping families together,” became a staple on the shelves of people coming out in the 80s and 90s, and a popular holiday gift for their parents. The book made “Bob Bernstein” a household name in gay circles.

In his later years, Bob wrote a third book, focusing on his lifetime of struggles with depression and other mental health issues. He had previously written articles and opinion pieces aimed at de-mystifying mental illness, and in his book, he dealt openly and honestly with his own struggles and frailties, and his eventual victory over (or at least impasse with) his demons. He dealt with these issues – as with all other challenges – with a combination of humor, grace, and damn-good words.

In addition to loving words, Bob delighted in music, dancing and photography. He was a talented pianist with a flair for ragtime, and played in a jazz group in the 90’s. He taught (or at least tried to teach) his young daughters how to do the Charleston, and later he and Myrna enjoyed jazz cruises, where they bonded with other couples who shared their appreciation for the genre. And everywhere he went, Bob took photographs–images of sunsets, water scenes and architecture that now dot the walls of his home.

Throughout every stage of this journey, Bob forged deep and lasting friendships with people who crossed his path, and with those he loved, and those he thought he could help, he shared all of himself. He is survived by his loving wife, Myrna; his daughters, Sharon (John) and Bobbi (Donno); one stepson, Diet (Allison); his daughter-in-law, Dee; and his grandchildren, Jack, Sammy, Kai, Serena, Corey, April, and John.

Bob’s one great fault throughout his life was his inability to see in himself what everyone around him saw so easily – his unconditional and nonjudgmental love, and his understanding, patience, support, and generosity. He was a wonderful man who lived a grand, influential life that will never be forgotten.